Every time she opens her mouth to speak, Taylor Swift, an antique doll brought to life by black magic, becomes more and more terrifying.
This month, like an agent of Satan, she informs Vanity Fair who will be going to hell and for what crimes (spoiler alert: crimes against Taylor Swift). She schools everyone on sexism (broadly: You Are Being Sexist). She bops around her living room getting ready for a night out with her best gals, when "O Fortuna" comes on and she shrieks "I love this song!" and snaps a rabbit's neck just to feel it go still in her hands and blood starts running down all of the mirrors. (That part didn't actually happen or, if it did, was not transcribed by Vanity Fair.)
Here's what we learned about Taylor Swift today:
Taylor Swift thinks (or at least hopes) Amy Poehler and Tina Fey will burn in hell for gently ribbing her at the Golden Globes.
While hosting this year's Golden Globes, Tina Fey and Amy Poehler did a brief riff on Taylor Swift's love life, instantly causing everyone in the universe to hate them forever, and earning them a reputation as America's Hitler and Pol Pot – or so it seemed to Taylor Swift. Asked how she felt about the joke (Fey told Swift from the stage to "stay away from Michael J. Fox's son" and that she could use a little "me time," while Poehler advised her to "Go for it"—that's it; end of joke), Swift responded with a quote about how they are Damned.
"You know, Katie Couric is one of my favorite people, because she said to me she had heard a quote that she loved, that said, ‘There's a special place in hell for women who don't help other women.'"
How does Taylor Swift help other women? By informing them in advance that they have been condemned to a wretched eternity in hell. C U NEXT TUESDAY IN HELL, BITCHES, she rages. Women helping women. It's beautiful.
Taylor Swift will not tell you an outright lie about whether she bought a house next to the Kennedy family's in Hyannis Port, but she really, really hopes you don't think she did.